Cold and Cruel
by ChicCritique
Summary: Mikasa has always felt like she wasn't connected to the world. Like she didn't really belong there. But, with her stories, her scarf, and Eren, she is able to keep her sanity with her. It's hard when you've lost so much.
1. Memories

_Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan or any of its characters. _

_ MiMi_

* * *

_His body. I saw it. It spun around and around in the air, and it only had one arm and a stub for a leg. I didn't know who he was, but I felt somehow connected to him. And I was scared. I reached out to help him, but my hand burned and I had to move away. His body just kept spiraling in the air forever, never stopping, and the blood flowed freely from the space where his arm should be and his stub. I tried to cry, but my eyes burned and I felt dizzy. Everything was in slow motion, until finally, his body hit a tree with a sickening thud. I cried out and ran to his aid, but a Titan snatched him up and bit his head off, then devoured him before my very eyes. I fled the scene, climbing up and tree and avoiding the Titan who didn't see me in the first place. _

_I now know that this man was once called my grandfather._

_..._

_My life has always seemed distant, whether I was with Eren, or a while ago when I was planting seeds in the garden with my mother, and even when I was making tea with grandma when I was a small, small child. I don't know. I've just always been looking at life from afar, never really living it. _

_..._

_I have always felt out of place, but four years ago, I never felt so disconnected from the world at any other time. I was sitting at a table that wasn't mine, in a house that wasn't mine, in a wooden chair that was too big for me, that also wasn't mine. I stared down at the bowl before me that wasn't mine, filled with a potato stew that I didn't make, and inside that bowl was a spoon that didn't belong to me. I sat with the family that wasn't mine, and a boy who was not my brother. I smiled at the woman who was not my mother, and the man who was not my father. I lived in this house, living in an environment that wasn't mine. I forced the delicious stew in the mouth that didn't speak the same way that it did two years before. Then I stared down at the stew and saw the reflection that wasn't mine. Or perhaps it was me. But it didn't look like me. I didn't look so...dead. At least I thought I didn't. At least not before the incident with the kidnappers. _

_..._

_I remember one day. That was the worst day of my life. It had to be. The day I rued my existence when my parents were killed. The day I was kidnapped because I was Asian, or as they said, oriental. The day I brutally murdered a man for putting his hands on a boy I didn't know. The day a boy rescued me from these kidnappers. _

_But I did get something very good out of that day. _

_This good that I speak of is Eren Jaëger. _

_..._

_They call me a soldier because I am. I ranked 1 in the Trainee Core, so I was at the very top. My instructors showed me great respect and I returned the favour because they are my superiors. But sometimes, I wish I was not so strong, not so smart, and not so fast. _

_Because that means that everyone has to put their lives on the line for me because they believe I am special. _

_..._

_Jean says he likes my hair. Sasha says I'm pretty nice. Armin says that I am strong and determined. Marco says I am kind and and a good friend. Historia says I am pretty. Ymir snorts and says "not bad." Shardis says he is proud._

_But what does Eren say? _

_...'good job'._

_..._

_Eren has to eat. If he doesn't, he will die. It will be all my fault. I promised his mother I would protect him. He is stubborn and determined and wild, so he thinks on his instinct and does not plan anything out. He just does it. Whatever 'it' is. They were handing out rations, so I tried to make him and Armin eat. Armin left for a while. I talked with Eren but he was angry and didn't want to talk, so we didn't talk anymore. When Armin came back, he had some loaves of bread. We accepted them, but Eren was a little picky. He wouldn't eat. We walked a bit away from everyone and started to make small talk. Then Eren called Armin a wimp, and I punched him in the face. If Armin is a wimp, then we are, too. What are _we _doing right now? We could escape the city and live in the forest with Titans stalking our every move. But we aren't. So we are as much of a wimp as he. _

_..._

_Sometimes it would get lonely in the house with just my mother and father. They were always doing something, so I was left alone most of the time. Even with them there, I felt empty and confused. I wanted a friend. Or a sibling. Someone, something to stay with me. I liked to talk with my father and plant seeds with my mother. Sometimes I would go on walks with my father and we would see pretty birds flying and we would point out the people wearing brightly coloured attire or a dog or a cat. I wouldn't let go of my hat. It was one of the only things I had other than a house, parents, and a garden. My mother had given it to me when I was really little, so yeah, it was a bit small, but if she were to go..._

_Well, she's gone right now. She's been gone for a while. When I lost my hat, Eren's scarf was there to take place of it._

_..._


	2. Realization

_I never knew it would be this hard. I thought life was simple and you could control it, but you can't. Things happen and you can't do anything about it. _

_But why is Eren gone?_

_It's...simple, really. He was eaten by a Titan. Or at least that's what Armin told me. He said the Titan grabbed him and dropped him into its mouth. He was sure this was the end, so he was prepared for what would happen, but then an arm grabbed his own and his hope came back. He looked up and saw familiar green eyes, but they looked...dead, apparently. There was blood around them and he realized it was Eren. He only had one leg. Eren lifted him up and threw him out of the Titan's mouth, and he became bruised and bloody, but he hardly realized it. He turned back to the Titan and saw Eren reaching out to him. Armin reached out with his own arm, stretching but careful not to fall off the roof. Just before he could grab him, the Titan's mouth snapped shut and Eren's arm flew out of it. It hit the ground with a thud and at that moment, Eren's life flashed before Armin's eyes. He saw everything Eren had experienced; he even saw a scene even I did not know about: Eren's father trying to stab him with a syringe. Or perhaps he was trying to get him to take something._

_All I know is that Eren is gone._

_...and it's all my fault._

_..._

_Falling...falling..._

_THUD._

_I hit a covering, one that covers a stand that must have once contained a person and valuable goods. I look up at the sky and raise one of my blades. It's only half of a blade, but at least it's something._

_No..._

_Again?_

_This, again?_

_I lost my family once more..._

_I jump off of the stand and fall to my knees._

_Do I have to remember the pain again...and start over again from here?_

_I plug my blades in and stare at the ground, hopelessly. This world...is cruel...and also..._

_Very beautiful. _

_I remember the time Eren gave me his scarf when I was cold. He rescued me from those kidnappers. That had to be not only the worst day of my life, but also the best. I look up._

It was a good life.

_I close my eyes to accept the death, but then..._

_I slice the Titan's hand, not completely off, but it's a deep cut. I jump away and avoid his grab, but then he takes another swing and I am thrown into the wall. _

What?

...Why?

I thought I'd given up.

_The Titan takes another swing and I go flying, scraping and bruising myself again. I lay on the ground, twitching. And I stand up._

Why do I keep standing up?

Why am I struggling?

To what end?

There's no point...in living anymore.

What is driving me?

_BOOM. BOOM. BOOM._

_The familiar large creature comes closer, very slowly, though. It has an eerie smile on its face. I step back. My face is dirty and bruised and I...I think I might be more scared right now than the time of the incident that occurred six years ago. Truly terrified. I turn to run, but then another Titan suddenly appears. I'm about to give up and accept my death when I hear him._

Fight...

_I remember the time now. The memories pain me, and I see Eren being choked by one of my kidnappers. He mouths the word again, and it breaks my heart. _

_Eren..._

_The Titans begin to close in on me, walking slowly toward their meal. _

Fight!

You must fight!

Fight!

_Then I really remember everything I've ever felt. _

I'm sorry, Eren. I won't give up.

_The tears begin to form in my eyes, but I don't shake them off. _

I will never give up again.

If I died, I won't be able to remember you. So I'll win, no matter what!

_The Titan reaches for me, bending down the slightest bit._

I'll survive, no matter what!

_"GYAHH!"_

_Before I can strike the Titan, the raven-haired one takes a step and I fly into the air. He punches the Titan in the jaw and its face literally rearranges before my eyes. It flies off in one direction, and as soon as he makes contact with the ground I am flying off in another direction. I cover my head and neck, because damaging either place would put me in a critical condition. I stop myself with my elbows and look up. _

What's going on?

_I gasp. The Titan, it's..._

_I sit up on my knees and my eyes widen. It's...incredible. It doesn't look like any other Titan I've seen before. The Titan roars, an unearthly sound erupting from its throat. I cover my ears and put my head down, but I put it back up just in time to see..._

_A Titan...and it's killing...another Titan..._

_I take my hands off of my head and if it's possible, my eyes widen even more. Then I feel something crash into the back of me and I'm flying through the air. I fall on a building and look over to see Armin. We both sit up._

_"Mikasa, are you hurt?" _

_Connie comes out of nowhere and asks, "Are you guys okay?!"_

_"Yeah!" answers Armin for both of us. He looks at me for confirmation, but I'm watching a new fight brewing up. _

_"We must get going!" says Connie. We all stand up and two 15 metre classes come close to each other. Wait, no..._

_"There are two 15 metre classes!" says Connie. _

_"No," I say, "That's Titan's..."_

_Both of them roar at each other, as if to say, "Welcome to battle." The mysterious Titan I encountered from before raises his hands up in a familiar position. I tense up._

_The other Titan roars again before running to the raven-haired Titan. Before it can even roar a second time, the raven-haired's fist connects with the aberrant's head and said object goes flying. It crashes into the window of a tall, large church. The Titan's headless body falls to the ground. The raven-haired Titan's hand is only a skeletal hand, and its steaming. Then it grows back like_ that.

_The headless body lifts itself up, but the raven-haired is prepared for it and stomps down on the nape of its neck, hard. _

_"It finished the other Titan off?" _

_"It knew of a Titan's weak point?"_

_"We must get going before it comes this way!" _

_"No. It doesn't care about us," says Armin, "It could have attacked us long ago."_

_I speak my thoughts from earlier, "It seems like it had an idea of how to perform hand-to-hand combat. What_ was _that?!_"

_"Just consider it an aberrant!" says Connie, "There's just too much we don't know. We must hurry to the HQ!"_

_"Wait!" says Armin, "Mikasa's out of gas!"_

_"Huh?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What are we going to do without you?"_

_"There's only one thing to do," says Armin, "I don't have much left, either. But we need to exchange the canisters, now!"_

_"Armin!" I scream._

_"There's no other choice!" screams Armin. He takes out his canister and my own. Then he slips his into my gear, and mine into his, "There's no point in my having them. But...don't waste it this time. Use it to save everyone."_

_I stare at him, my eyes widened in disbelief. How could he say that? Why would would want to throw his life away? And for me, nonetheless? _

_I led everyone into battle without being, willing to protect them. And for a minute, I gave up on living, not feeling responsible for them in the least. And all for personal reasons, I..._

_"Okay, the starter device still works," says Armin, disrupting me from my thoughts, "I gave you all my blades. But please let me keep this one. I don't want to be eaten alive."_

_I take my half blade from his hand and throw it over the side of the building. _

_"N-No..."_

_"Armin," I say, taking his hand and forcing the terrified boy to listen to me, "I won't leave you here."_

_His eyes widen and I pull him to his feet. _

At the time, I was filled with confusion. I'd never heard of a Titan killing another Titan. But I also felt a glimmer of exhilaration.

I felt...the rage of humanity itself was embodied in what I saw.

...


End file.
